The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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