i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
