Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
