dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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