saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
