people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
