just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
