on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
