im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize