she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
