I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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