I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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