Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
