I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
