Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
