FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
