I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
