Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
