It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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