Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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