Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
