My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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