I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Ketchup is God's man juice
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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