Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
