Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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