Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
