I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
