Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
