Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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