Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
BRING THE BAGELS
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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