Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i was born a porn star she said
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize