Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
