In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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