Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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