are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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