1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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