She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
