**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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