Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize