um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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