So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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