I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
