I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
