i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
