I CAN MOONWALK!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
These tits shall not be calmed
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
