woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
