Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
