If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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