He disabled his match.com account in front of me
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
