It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
