In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
