sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
