i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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