wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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