Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
